DREADING THE WEDDING?

In the past weddings have been mainly to provide alliances amongst families, and could potentially expand ones worth and leadership. Most people didn’t have the ability to choose their lifetime partner, and it was chosen for them by others, for reasons anything but love. One aspect which has carried into todays society is that weddings seem to remain extravagant.

Weddings tend to be based off of cultural and religious beliefs. An increasingly amount of couples now choose to not include religion in their big day, and write their own itinerary. One thing I enjoyed from my wedding was the ceremony that was chosen for us by our officiant. My husband and I had attended a friend’s wedding and I remembered how well she spoke and how well she conducted the ceremony. She was the obvious choice for us since we both weren’t very religious, and we were not getting married in a church. We weren’t really sure what type of ceremony we wanted and she helped us with many options she saw fit specifically for us. She presented us with a tasting ceremony, in consideration of us meeting in a restaurant. During the ceremony we tasted the 4 main elements of what a lasting relationship symbolized: cayenne for spiciness, lemon for sourness, coffee for bitterness and sugar for sweetness. We also chose to write our own vows, and I remember being so proud to express my love and explain to all our family and friends, how I went from not even believing in love, to falling for the unexpectedly and involuntary love at first sight.

"Marriage being the priority, not love. "

Weddings will always come with an endless amount of expectations from everyone and their mother. Contrary to popular belief, some weddings are still not based off love at all, rather than joining two families together solely for the sake of marriage and financials. Love is expected to come with time. With the divorce rate climbing, maybe this isn’t such a bad idea. Marriage being the priority, not love.

Weddings as always remain extravagant to some. The average bride will buy one or more dresses, costing around $1,500-$2,000, for just one day. That might not include the bling which would be the tiara, earrings, necklace, hair jewels, and the actual rings themselves. Popular rings can vary in cost from $1,000-$3,000, and that’s just for the engagement ring. A woman will typically be given an engagement ring, and then it will be paired with a wedding band, on the day of. Male wedding bands tend to be much more simple and cheaper. Another important aspect is the venue. Venues radiate an expectation all on their own. Venues come in all shapes and sizes. From catering halls, to mansions, to restaurants, and backyards. Some venues are all inclusive, and some simply supply a space to which you can hold an event. Using a venue that just offers the space itself, forces you to source each vendor and aspect of the event. You will be expected to include a photographer, a videographer, food (appetizers/ cocktail hour, main course, and desert), music, photo booth, flowers/ decor, and staffing. The average cost of wedding photography is around $2,000-$4,000, which may not even include video. Floral arrangements will vary from $900-$2,000, depending on what type of flowers you want, and the colors you need to go with the rest of your wedding. Those are just a couple of examples of the venders you might need, to really empress your guest.

"Feelings will get hurt, and people will let you know."

In the American wedding culture today, the average amount of money someone will give as a gift is anywhere between $75-$500. Going to my fair share of weddings myself, I felt comfortable gifting $100 per person, to the happy couple. But you should expect $75-$150 from co-workers, $100-$150 if you are a close relative or friend, and if you are a closer relative $150+. Some will gift much higher amounts if they are able to. When I got married a friend of my in-law's, whom we have never met, sent us a gift of $1,000, and they weren’t the only ones! Growing up poorer than most, I felt extremely uncomfortable accepting this, but we did. Most people want to give a gift, to at least cover their plate cost, and some will gift according to venue. Has the wedding community continued to raise their gift expectations to unreasonable amounts?

Before entering into my own wedding planning, I thought my wedding would be all about me and my future husband, but that is so far from reality. Everything comes down to making everyone else comfortable and happy. God forbid you decide on having a dry wedding, because today you will judged insanely for it. You may not even get a good outcome of guests. Choosing your bridesmaids and groomsmen is similar to that of picking your top 8 on myspace. Feelings will get hurt, and people will let you know. Choosing one person as your maid of honor, might lead to jealously amongst your other friends and family, which doesn’t help keeping your bridesmaids from fighting. Your eyes will be opened to who your true friends are, and what they are willing to do for you. People will complain just about everything; who they are sitting with, what songs you played, your color scheme, the food you served, and the fact you spent too much or too little for you big day. Other people will expect you to invite their own friends, at your wedding, even if you’ve never met them, or even like them. Weddings bring out the best and worst of people. We do all this planning and spend all this money, with a good chance we’ll be disappointed. Some disappointment comes from unavoidable circumstances like weather, or the photographer not showing up on time. Is it all really worth it in the end?

"You should give a gift with out your own intentions for it."

I feel as though, when I give a gift, I don’t do it with the intention of it making me happy, I do it to make the person I’m gifting happy. Well lets say the couple decides to not go through with the wedding, and I already gave a gift. Usually bridal showers will come before the big day and the bride is showered with numerous gifts, most being home goods. Do I expect her to return that kitchen aid, after going through possibly the worst time of her life. Is that what she should be worrying about at this time? I don’t think we can expect that of people. You should give a gift with out your own intentions for it. Try to remember also that canceling a wedding is not easy. Some venders and catering halls wont refund you even a percentage, let alone the entire amount you have paid in advance. It will not only be a reminder of how your relationship failed, but an additional expensive you’ll be paying back for a while.

Being a bridesmaid can be a memorable experience for some or really frustrating. Your paired with people whom you may not even know, let alone like. Your being paired to walk and dance with someone you don’t know. As a bride I tried my best to pair people I thought would go well together, but it’s a very difficult task. Now a days asking someone to be your bridesmaid is just as or even more extravagant then asking someone to prom. There is usually a boxed gift of some sort, and there may be a few happy tears. But do these bridesmaids really know what they are in for? Has anyone ever said no? Would they be smart to veer far away from being apart of this, and will they be vulnerable to backlash from saying no? Would this make them a bad friend, or would this be in fact the smartest decision they ever make? Let me break it down for you everything the bridesmaid is actually agreeing to. The bridesmaids are usually responsible for:

· Buying a bridesmaids dress; they are instructed by the bride how to dress, what shoes to wear (according to your height, you may be asked to wear heels or not to wear heels), and how to do their own hair for the big day. Bridesmaids will also spend an alterations expensive since they are always instructed to buy a much bigger size … you know in case they get fat.

· Plan and fund a bridal shower, give a gift at the shower, on top of already giving a gift on the big day.

· Plan and fund the bachelorette party/ or trip.

· Be expected to spend hundreds of dollars on make up and hair, that you might not even like, or feel comfortable wearing.

· Be available for the brides needs at any time.

"...I couldn’t make my own rent..."

Before the big day most bridesmaids are expected to come up with anywhere from $500-$2,000. A lot of times bridesmaids will make the decision to drop out of the wedding party due to financial reasons. How could we subject the closest people to us to oblige, yet they do, and most of the time are happy to do it. I once spent so much time and energy on a friend’s wedding, that I couldn’t make my own rent, at the same time I was being ridiculed for giving the “big” gift, late.

Are these big extravagant wedding becoming a thing of the past? Perhaps people are starting to realize how stressful and disappointing they end up being, and are leaning towards a more intimate event. I may be biased, considering I regret my wedding entirely. Shortly entering the wedding planning world, I realized how stressful and geared it was towards everyone else, and how little my opinion mattered. I was told who to hire, who to invite, and was limited on how involved I was allowed in the planning of my own events. People who didn’t even respect me or my relationship had an opinion in the decisions we made. While wedding planning, I found myself begging my significant other to cancel and have something very simple. Afterall, I wasn’t doing this for me anymore, it was about our family and my husband’s wishes. It came time to be that my bridesmaids had already invested money in us and at that point I knew I couldn’t let them down. We had been planning a wedding on a very low budget, which still managed to put us in debt. Everything that could have went wrong did, starting with a phone call I received on the way to the ceremony, that I had forgotten to label place cards and no one knew where to sit. My mom brought a plus one, who had been banned from my wedding, but still managed to find a way there. He also started an argument with me, on my very own big day. Him and my mother decided to get drunk at Applebees, instead of taking pictures with the family. After changing my dress three times, and looking at pictures of myself afterwards, I thought I looked fat and overexposed. It took me years to share my wedding pictures to social media because of this. My dress was so big, I couldn’t walk from one side of the venue to the other without someone stepping on it and bringing me to a jolting stop. I fell multiple time over it, and it was embarrassing. I had really wanted everyone together in the same hotel for an after party vibe, and a morning brunch, but the hotel we stayed at didn’t meet some people’s needs. And to top it all off, when it came time to pay the bill, hubby realized his wallet was missing. We couldn’t even pay for our wedding that night. The one saving grace, was that people told us they had never had that much fun at a wedding before. They would go on to talk about it for months and the photo booth pictures were entertaining to say the least.

"...this was a very devastating and unfair circumstance, for many brides..."

Has the 2020 pandemic greatly impacted your big day? I have such sympathy for those who were left to reschedule their big day, multiple times, after over a year of planning. Some brides to be I know cancelled their wedding all together and a date was to be decided at another time. Some decided to hold off, while others held ceremonies with just the essentials. I sometimes wish we could have used a pandemic as a good enough reason to cancel our wedding, but I do understand this was a very devastating and unfair circumstance, for many brides who wanted nothing more but their big day at the altar.

If you were one of the lucky ones to have your dream wedding, become a reality then I am so so happy for you and your significant other. I want nothing but happiness for anyone who seeks it and you are entitled to your big day! This was simply the perspective of a bitter ex-bride, who's day went amok. I hope all those brides who were cancelled due to covid-19, get their day in their white dresses, and anyone else who dreams of it. I'm rooting for you girl!